Endless tears

Tears kept rolling from my eyes when I was listening to this song on my way back home from the hospital.
I don't know why but it reminded me of how I used to miss this special person in my life. The lyrics are literally telling my story. After ending my relationship with this person the feeling of missing became worse. The agony I went through lasted for 2 whole years. After which I promised myself to never fall that deep again.
But then again....you cannot control ones heart.
Nowadays I'm just cautious. When I even get the slightest inclination of leaning in too much, I'll stop myself midway.

Lyrics to Beyoncé - I miss you

I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you...around

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same

Words don't ever seem to come up right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that?

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away

I said I miss you, missing you insane

But if I got with you, could it feel the same


It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything no matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything no matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

But the more I listened, the more this song became more than just about heartache to me.

I kept seeing images of my Thai relatives. It was like a home video was played by memory. At first they were happy memories....  Then the images brought back my deceased grandparents...after which my late nephew appeared in my mind. I couldn't stop the flow of saltiness leaking from my eyes! It was horrible...I couldn't stop myself the entire day.

Probably due to my medication as well....haha....blame it on the drugs >_<".

While tears were flowing I continued to listen to this song. It's quite short. Everytime the fade out begins I feel like it should last longer!

I really hate goodbyes. Whether they're short term or everlasting.

It probably has gotten worse over the years. I had to say goodbye and miss people since childhood (age 4). I'm a person who tends to get attached to people I feel comfortable around pretty fast, and there for I also feel hurt very easily. Nobody around me knows this though because I don't show these emotions in front of them. I'm the loner type and like to cry by myself. But ever since I had to take all these meds I can't control my feelings anymore. It's all in the open. My face is like an open book! 

That's probably why I avoid meeting up with acquaintances. Only close friends are allowed to see me at my worst. 

I used to be a little bit people shy. Now it feels like I have people phobia! I get very anxious and nervous around crowed places. The first time I felt this way was when I attended a friends' birthday party. It was a joint party she held with her boyfriend. So his friends were also present.....(people I don't know personally but just by name and hearsay). It felt like I was experiencing a panic attack....I got extremely hot, and tears started to form. I cried, without making a sound. Thankfully my friend's shielded me from the crowd since we were standing in the far corner of the room, as I turned my back toward them facing the wall. I had to swallow my tears real quick if I didn't want to get find out and head toward the bathroom fast. 

I made it safely to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face to help rid the tears. Nobody noticed....except for my friends ofcourse haha. 

It's weird though....I'm used to dancing in front of a lot of people but this type of anxiety is new to me.

I hope people don't get the wrong idea and think I'm trying to avoid them for any other reason than me being anxious about my current appearance. It's not that I want to avoid them it's just that I can't bring myself to overcome this hurdle yet. I have to rid myself of the shame first. Since I still don't feel like I'm quite myself just yet. I don't want them to see me as a sick person, as someone who is weak and frail. Because I don't feel like I am such a person. I know I have this illness but I don't want to get it rubbed into my face every time someone brings it up. So I'm living a lie at the moment. I feel better than I actually am. 

There are still a lot of things I have to get used and adjust to. And maybe I never will be able to adjust. It's a bit scary though to think I might never get out of this hole I feel like I'm trapped in at the moment. So I try to think positive instead. It used to be so easy to me......but since I've been knocked down quite a lot of times the past couple of years it has gotten more difficult to overcome.

Anywho.........I'll keep fighting!!!